Friendship is valuable but dangerous. It's alluring with its secrecy and confidences- but one day you will inevitable reach that point- the point where things get ugly. You always know one day it will come but at the same time you are always suprised when it does. It's not one decision that makes it- its lots of little ones. The slow, gradual movement of a friendship- it's the small steps that can help or damage it the most.

Only when it's war- when you're fighting with everything you have- do you realize the kind of person you really are. Are you willing to stoop? Yes, sometimes. Are you willing to be "that" person... maybe, sometimes. Are you really that much better or just arrogant and naiive? When you're choosing the high road or the low which will you decide? One may be fun but the other's necessary.... remember when there used to be one road and you got to ride your bike on it until it got dark outside and mom called you in? Cliche? Yea- so is life.

It's amazing that even someone with few regrets can still have them come back to bite them in the ass. Unfuckingbelievable. But- after the worry comes acceptance of what will come to pass. You look forward- know what is bound to happen- and do your very best to prepare for it. What else can you do? Should we live in fear of what might happen if we allow ourselves a way out? No. Most definitely not.

In the end there's not a right answer. There never is. But the older I get the less right the answer becomes and the more blurred the lines. How can I be so clear and still get nothing accross? Maybe my social skills aren't quite what I thought they'd be or maybe I've just been fooling myself. Who knows? 

Guess it must go on- man- being melodramatic really takes it out of you. Until next time-

It's been too long....

Just turned 19 years old.... not a milestone birthday but a stepping stone none the less.

Contemplating life thus far is rough-- the more I think about it the more confused my thoughts.

It'll work out- it always does. Can't be afraid to switch things up and give people a run for their money once in a while.

Debate=awesome... still.

Hello everyone-

PROM was AMAZING.

That's all that needs to be said.

Thanks to everyone who made it totally rock- thanks to my amazing friends and my kick ass prom date. :)

**One week till graduation- holding my breath- hoping for the best- trying to hold it all together for a little while longer.

Picking classes at McKendree this weekend - What will I choose??

PS- Is anyone reading this anymore? I mean I don't mind writing for myself but it's nice to know who I'm writing to if anyone....

By now you must have realized that this is just a place for me to piss and moan most of the time. So here it goes:

Sometimes you realize all too suddenly that things just suck. It creeps up on you. Your mistakes, other's mistakes, time, premade decisions- Sometimes we get too comfortable- to relaxed and then reality smacks the shit out of us. I know it's hard to believe that my life could be that difficult- upsetting- or even slightly rough. God knows I'm in highschool- get what I want- onyl child- smart somewhat. How hard can it be?

I haven't had one day off in almost three weeks. Getting ready to be fired from Richey's - or quit- or whatever you want to call it. We all know we saw it coming. It's still going to be messy- probably more crying and screaming. Joy. Parents and the family are whiny because I don't have time.. and why am I always cranky? Some friends just rub shit in- it almost hurts sometimes.

I'm either one of the most awesome people I know or one of the most pathetic. I don't party hard- hang out in the library- I'm not a nerd or a slut- the fun one- the quiet one- nothing definitative or defining. It's troubling I have to think about it. Poeple at my other job are riding my ass as well. Somewhere along the way hard work and dedication really doesn't pay off. The sad thing is you couldn't tell by talking to me. The happy face has become normal- I find myself editing this very journal post in case someone may read it. Through my head flashes the people I would want to- the peopel I wouldn't- and the strangers who have stopped reading by now. should you be worried? Coarse not- I'm always fine- angry, the funny kind- rambling- sort of bubbly- I'm Amanda. I guess it'll continue- until someone steps in  and changes things for the better or for the worse. Who knows when that'll be? It's almost like I've left my chemistry homework, job, family, and overall happiness up to anyone else to avoid dealing with it.. I'm waiting for someone to force me in the right direction-

"I guess in the end you start to think about the beginning"

Yes-Amanda is getting sort of nostalgic- but in all fairness the world has seemed to turn upside down in the last few weeks. It's like my life is a season finale episode of a juicy modern soap opera. In a way highschool really is like it's portrayed in all of those WB shows. Yes, Dawson's Creek was one of the first followed by others- One Tree Hill being the latest I can think of. You think that can never happen to you- you'd step up, tell the truth, wouldn't have firends like that, would make the right decision or grow the balls to just do it. Truth is- you let things happen. Not bad things necessarily just things- in a few years none of it will matter and I will be dramatic about something else. Seems like it will be better in college- haha I doubt it. Guess it's just life. How quickly we forget how it "used to be" --I'm pretty sure it was the same way in Jr High-

I'm guess I'm just scared- scared of what I know is coming- scared of what I could not possibly know- scared about the reprecussions of all of my actions-